Coming Down

So, I don't think I mentioned this, but last weekend I went to a cosplay event.  This was not a convention, just a planned event.  I'm not going to go into details right now, but it is enough to know that I was there.

I had a good time.  I know it sounds like bragging, but I was likely the most popular one there.  My costume was probably the most elaborate out there (this may be because some of those who came were either not as skilled, or simply because of the nature of this event some chose to wear more simple attire).  I got a lot of people complimenting me, and several cosplayers told me I was their favorite there.  And, despite having over fifty of us present, I was the only one to get my photo taken by "normal" people not part of the event.  So I was pretty well received.

Despite that, though, I was a bit on the outside.  Everyone else came with at least one other person they knew, whereas I did not.  I was alone, so I wasn't in the existing social circles and cliques.  Another thing is that the average age was about ten years younger than me.  Pretty sure I was the oldest one there, not counting parents dropping off people.  When I ordered a drink at dinner everyone was like "you're over 21?!"

As much as I love cosplaying, it is painful for me too.  For one moment, everyone loves me.  Then that moment ends.  All those people who thought I was awesome, who wanted to hug me or who wanted hang out with me, well they wouldn't come within ten feet of me when I'm not in costume.  When I'm just being me, none of them would want anything to with me.

I'm not just being depressing or fatalistic.  I've seen it happen countless times.  One time, at a convention, I met this one person who was Really in to me.  They were all over me, literally.  Were I the type, I could have probably had them arrested for harrassment.  I enjoyed it, I don't get a lot of positive attention, and even less physical affection.  So having them literally hanging on me felt nice.  The next day, I was out of costume and ran into that person.  They couldn't get away from me fast enough.  And it is not an isolated incident either.  It happens a lot.  This New Years, when we were saying goodbye, our hostess hugged everyone goodbye.  Well, everyone except for me.  Skipped right past me, didn't want to touch me.  And she is a friend.

The past six years, I at least had an anchor.  I had my S.O. so when the hurt was too much I could at least remember that Someone liked me.  But I don't have that any more.  And again, it isn't like I just sit around feeling sorry for myself.  I go out, I try to meet people.  As I mentioned, I just went to this event.  Lots of attractive people who share my love of cosplay.  Many of them liked my character, none of them like me.  I've tried online dating.  So far, I've sent out dozens of messages.  My responses have been 1 person who went creepy stalker when I tried to be nice to them.  Oh, and 1 person took the time to make snide comments about my looks.  Yep, someone actually went through the trouble to call me ugly.  So I do try.  When I go out, I'm usually the center of attention, the life of the party.  I make everyone laugh, I can tell all kinds of jokes and stories about all the crazy adventures I've had in my life.  And I've had a lot of those.  I've gotten to see and do things most people never will.  Ever get to go in to the staff only section of the Royal Armory in Leeds, and there get to have an up close look at Henry the Eights personal rifle (which was made of ivory and silver)?  Not too many people can say that, but I can.  That's a true story right there, and that isn't even one of the craziest things I've done.  Did I mention that I'm a paid model?  It's true.  I modeled for a painting once.  I also modeled for two statues, one of which may also have been used to make a figurine.  Yes, it is possible there are "action figures" of me out there somewhere.  It sounds like I'm making this stuff up, but really it is true.  So I'm not just sitting at home going woe is me.  I get out there.  I meet people.  I socialize.  I try.

I'm just not wanted