Pissed off

Why is it that I never matter? That no matter what is going on in my life, someone or something is more important than me? Why do I always have to take the backseat, when do I get to be important? I'm so tired of being treated like everyone and everything is more important than me. Whenever someone else has a problem, or wants something or says something I'm supposed to drop everything and take care of it. Doesn't matter what I'm doing. Example: one semester I had finals coming up. They were promising to be exceedingly difficult, so I told my parents that I needed to spend as much time studying as possible. One weekend I planned on spending the entire time preparing, and asked that I not be disturbed. So naturally my father decides that weekend we are going to a museum. I had to lose an entire day of study because he wanted to go sightseeing and got pissed at me when I told him no. But god help me if I had failed my exams. Another time I brought home a test from a class I was having a lot of difficulty in. I had done very well on it and I was very proud of myself. My family was too busy watching tv when I got home to care.


Whenever my S.O. has a bad day, no matter how much I may need comforting, I always have to put aside my needs to be there for them. I've done a lot of things for my S.O. because they were important to them. We are in a long distance relationship, but I've still taken the time to sit in on some of their classes, both ones my S.O. taught and ones attended, I've helped with lab work, I've even gone out during their field season on a few occasions, which means getting up at 4am to go hiking around watching, banding, netting, etc. I bought a plane ticket out of my own pocket, took unpaid days from work and flew across the country to be at my S.O.'s brother's wedding, because it was important. But the things that are important to me? I keep getting promises of "someday". It's always someday. Well I just got informed that, due to circumstances outside of my control, the window on things I wanted to share with my my S.O. has now shut. No more chances. Naturally I was upset about it. Not only did my S.O. brush it off with the whole "its no big deal", but my S.O. wouldn't even try to understand why it was important to me.

Until recently, my sister and I were scheduled to graduate at the same time. To give you some background. My sister graduated with a double major from undergrad. She graduated again with a masters. This time would be a phd. Me, on the other hand, I've been working full time and taking classes part time, both to gain experience and to pay as much of my own tuition and bills as I could. I'll be getting my first degree after ten years of work. It wasn't going to be possible to attend both ceremonies. Guess which one my family was thinking about skipping?

And no one listens to me when I talk. I can't count the number of times I'll say something important to me, only to have to repeat myself because the TV was on. My parents ask me questions they just asked the night before, or even earlier in that same conversation. They don't listen or pay attention. Whenever we have differing views, mine is immediately dismissed, not even given consideration. Even when they come to me because I'm "the expert". Even when I've been right many many times. My S.O. does it too. See, I've been through a lot in my life. I've seen and done a lot. I've gone through some very dark times. And I learned a lot. At the core, all the problems my S.O. is having I've already been through and survived. Yet every time I tell my S.O. how, all I get is an immediate "I can't do it" or "it doesn't work that way." Well, I've been there and I've done it, so yes it does work that way and yes you can do it. But it doesn't matter, my experience my opinions my voice are all ignored. It doesn't matter how rational or logical I am. It doesn't matter how many times I prove that I know what I'm talking about. It doesn't matter how loud I shout. Nothing works and no one listens. Maybe I should try swallowing a bullet. Maybe people would listen to that message. Oh wait, no, I ALREADY TRIED THAT. People still didn't listen, still don't care. And I'm so damn sick of it.